just how much can someone blog?

PROGRESS! NJ AntiBullying Bill Of Rights passes both houses!

Mon, 15 Nov 2010 10:27:29 -0500

http://tiny.cc/NJbully link to my facebook page
Happily witnessed a tiny moment of history today down in Trenton
lobbying with Garden State Equality and a team of diverse students, parents and religious leaders to support this bill. hearing a 15 year old like Corey Bernstein speak of surviving tormentors in middle school and now leading his high school Gay Straight Allianceor a mother who lost her son to suicide from bullying.. intense touching and inspiring
I am holding my breath as this bill progresses to a full floor vote
today it passed both houses with amble majorities [hard line conservatives still holding out -GOD FORBID any possible link to being KIND to GAY r perceived to be GAY or different and labeled as gay or just gender non-conforming or societal non-conforming
hope it will eventually be signed by -gasp CHRISTIE [please god].
It was almost anti-climactic how this  went thru, unlike marriage equality,  no one questions [mostly] protecting  the rights of children.  [just screw em when they are adults]
By just setting the context of  accountability [24 hrs from a  bullying incident is reported to  investigation] and how anti- LGBT or "anti-anyone different"  is in this bill is HUGE. if this can  be implemented, it will slowly  change course for our culture of  tolerance and diversity, its  actually more profound than  marriage equality, EVERYONE goes to school, EVERYONE has exposure to bullying, EVERYONE will now be introduced to the idea that bullying people for any difference: sexuality or perceived, body type, physical ability etc. is unacceptable.

ironically, one of the most vocal opponents of this bill is EX-GAY -though his intentions seems good, he came off as mean-spirited, and well.. a bully. I should've just hugged it out with him, oh well.. dorky-cute under all that rage.

more to come people more to come!   it is certainly NOT over & if anything,   this will be more powerful and   transformational in long run.
can't have hate crimes if no one   wants to commit them anymore
i have no fear of our future,   our youth are already kicking *SS!
freedom and equality is inevitable.

It Gets Better....

Fri, 22 Oct 2010 00:03:18 -0400

outlining a workshop on BULLYING..
weird.. the last month has been piles piles of overload from media, the tragic suicides and violence across the nation, spewing in all directions on every media outlet. I’ve shed a few tears in last few hours.. as i prep for U Florida’s SERCAAL,
I’m doing a standup comedy set friday night
followed by 2 workshops on saturday
Envisioneering - motivational vision mapping / creating life at full blast,
and a timely though not actually new social issue..
BULLYING
F@ggots + Ch*nks!
Bullies on the playground, on the internet + in your dorm room

strangely all this media coverage triggers so much grief, and so much pain. I can’t believe how i’ve been both numb and overcome with tears from seeing all these clips on youtube.
I survived the torture hatred/taunting while in high school, as have millions of other gays and lesbians [and perceived gays + lesbians]. I CHOSE to be out, and somehow take it on, it was a defense in a way, taking the secret into my hands and unleashing the shame.. though certainly much of my town wanted to dump on me after they found out -I did a local cable talkshow and it aired several [16?] times, EVERYONE heard about it.

somehow i survived, every single day was painful, but i would walk into school with a smile on my face, my duran duran inspired clothes and eyeliner and blue hair and 4”shoulderpads -GOD BLESS ME! How did i make it out alive?

I still wonder.. somehow i knew deep down inside, it will get better.. just get outta this small town and go to NYC be a designer.. be whatever you want - its gotta get better
Even after they threw rocks through my window and spray painted faggot on my house, i called the cops and stood tall -as shaky as my knees were and even while my eyeliner ran..i did not.
I didn’t have any community of LGBT support.. but i had seen CONSENTING ADULT an ABC TV special about a college student who comes out, and it was such a relief, everything i was feeling was validated in that TV show, secretly taped on VHS..sounds so ancient in this facebook email twitter universe.

I did reach out for help, I called the helpline at gay horizons -the number was put on the TV screen at the end of CONSENTING ADULT
929-H-E-L-P
it was the ONLY time i had ever seen of HELP and GAY in one sentence on TV. I could call at anytime and someone would pick up the phone and listen, and they helped me have hope and told me about a youth group that met in the city on saturday afternoons -i would lie to my parents and tell them i was taking the train to downtown Chicago to go fabric shopping [like THAT didn’t OUT me already]

i met new friends there, OTHER GAY TEENS! we didn’t have cell phones, just our parent’s home phones - so we really only spoke or communicated via face to face realtime whenever we could sneak downtown to the youth group meetings.

i met this one cute guy -he helped me find the L train after the meeting- He asked me for my number -I grabbed a piece of paper from the garbage can, reached into my velcro flapped pocket and wrote down my number with EYELINER! He went to Northwestern University, and had his own phone - we’d talk n talk and talk about whatever, the hell of suburbia and being out in school - it was such a relief, i remember one time waiting up til 2AM to sneak downstairs and listen on earphones to the stereo system in the family room - he was a DJ for the campus radio station - he dedicated a song to me “Sing If you’re Glad to Be Gay” -a radical song for its time-Tom Robbins - it was like a sack of grain dropping from some munitions plane flying overhead my war zone, my high school.

Who knew it would get better ? high school still sucked, but i had made contact w/ greater ideas, greater possibilities -had a peek at the rest of the world, a glimpse to something much greater than this microscopic blip of nothing -high school. It really got better, it still does .. I left for NYC -started an entirely new life -reinvented myself.. and I am STILL reinventing myself.. so glad i did not end my life so early. ..

gotta pack n sleep before flying out to Florida, gonna tell my jokes, tell my stories of survival, and help others to breathe deeper, live louder and keep letting it get better.

Provincetown: Memorial Day Weekend

Sat, 29 May 2010 15:37:49 -0400

Just opened for Jessica Kirson from The Tonight Show and Last Comic Standing. WOOHOO! it was women’s weekend and I have never seen so many lines and Lines and LINES of women!!! it was like a giant millipede with an udder!

Totally rocked the mic, really had a fun time and Jessica has been nothing but gift from the Gods of Laughter to me. A great coach/mentor and inspiration Will be hitting Fire Island with her in June!!!

mic #72

Thu, 28 Jan 2010 17:50:25 -0500

can’t believe i’ve come this far
i think by mic# 34 [in 30 days i was riding a wave of adventure,thrills and just a comedy HIGH, though now ..sometimes i wanna just hurl. its never the same mic. sometimes i’m killing other times im dying, other times I could be home gardening in the cellar , or -God forbid- back at some lousy corporate design job hoping for half-day fridays in the summer, how long ago was that purgatory? How can i even consider that halflife? there is nothing short of living loud and on the edge, here in the mics.. certainly a thrill ride, and well sometimes i just don’t wanna do it, but i know there are those moments that i want nothing other than to hop on stage and rock out the mic.
insert photo: Fordham University, a unique space, atrium open bright open lighting and a din of a suburban mall, echoing in lincoln square -sweet crowd, but totally rough work, i was so green and early in the game, though i’ve hit smaller rooms with dark audience and dim lights and had better focus, every room is different.

Just saw AVATAR, there’s a theme of connection and uniting with nature, just as u must unite and connect with an audience
in order for everything to reach harmony/balance and all to take flight. I’m having my own hanging in the wild, with the indigenous-some mics are on waters edge, others thick with beer and edge, other flowery and poetic, who knew i’d see so many worlds in new york city, jersey city, and beyond. just getting up, trying out something else, then..trying out the same darn shit again and again, refining it, til it shines sharp tight and clear.
Going to put toether an application for Fringe NYC, put upa new show, and rock it out 300mics and beyond. I am in this deep, full throttle, and occasionally taking naps, eating gluten free, and hitting the gym. wanna be in best tip top shape inside and out.
when i signed myself up for this 90mics in 90 days challenge [which became 90mics in 90 BUSINESS DAYS aka 90 mics over about 120 days -after galloping through thanksgiving,xmas newyears and various income producing ventures to support this new developing work.. this game is ON, full out baby, not only in it to win it, but in it to love it, rock it and ride this out! woohoo!!!

90 open mics in 90 days

Sun, 25 Oct 2009 11:54:04 -0400

ok, so i officially started last week [secretly]
tuesday oct 21st.. my challenge:
to create an entirely new show in pure standup format!
[ i’d rather stick hot coals in my eyes and drink a 5 gallon bucket of hot butter.. but here i am..]
i mean i LOVE to perform and I LOVE to make people laugh
i just fear the process of being messy,imperfect
and not having it ALL TOGETHER and polished
after the first try-
why even plant the seed? the harvest should be here already..
no pressure, no internal voices of “you’re a loser! you’re not funny! you’re fat!”
..GAG!
I’ve been touring my one man show around for several years, but its set, polished ,
easy and predictable..
and well as grateful as I am for the show, to tour it, do it, do what i love
and also do lectures and workshops and helping others..
there’s this longing, this hole
not that one [pig!]
but u know.. the desire to grow.. and continue the journey..
so i hit the open mic almost on a dare. but supportive one with a friend of mine, and it was like being reincarnated, except im still aware that im reincarnating
like im back as a freshman in college and its my first time in NYC doing an open mic.. but i have the body and mind that i currently have..
almost like i’ve possessed myself.. watching how freaked out I am, but also being able to relax up there, and try out new, shaky material.
the first day
open mic #1
5pm lower east side Laugh Lounge
standing outside some tenement buildings and essex street marketplace
-i thought of all the immigrants that used to shop there, live there and what the fck am i doing here? this is gonna hurt like crazy.
FLASHBACK
I had my first paid gig in 1989? at New York Institute of Technology, 10minutes for a college cafeteria-cool!
i had been doing events at FIT fashion Institute of Technology for past year or so
killed at all the shows at school-what did i know? i mean FIT was this gay bubble, or gay pouffe skirt
loaded with organza and gay men and fashionistas. totally my scene
no one told me that NY INSTITUTE was more like Boys in da hood university..
the guy who booked me put me up after thesemega macho misogynistic comics-
the audience loved the P*ssy and stupid B*tch jokes
i was like “what was that booker thinking? im gonna look like some super femme chiffon scarfed drag queen up there -and they will beat the SH*T outta me!”
to my credit i was wearing a dandy striped herringbone wools blazer that i had made by hand in my couture tailoring class-this was over a decade before PUFF DADDY aka p diddy/Sean Combs would become a ‘designer’
i remember the suspended ceiling panels and glare of the florescent light of the cafeteria
and as i went thru my set, i felt my gut clench, my armpits dripping and quivering and
both kidneys jump out of the escape hatch of my spine, as i slowly and awkwardly hobbled about and began to bomb, why was i doing gay material ? am I gonna get stabbed right here? Is anyone here wearing natural fibers?
A thuggy guy with a mustard cream leather jacket w/fake sherpa lining grabs a chair from the front row and starts to wave it over his head screaming -er, hollering, hmm.. HOLLAS “get the F*CK off the stage”
and im like..dry throat and shaking.. i sorta swallow my last words and reflexively blurt thankyou, bow my head in this dorkey uber chinky asian way- i was like “stop drop and roll!” the monsta is attacking the city-jsut GET OUT

and in some “out of body” blur, i float myself out of there, off the stage
the booker hands me my $50, and says “great job”
I can barely even look at him, its almost like he was totally in on it
or just totally insane.
i never did standup after that.
i mean i was a go-go dancer/drag sidekick backup for Judy Tenuta for 7 years -i started as her costume designer and we totally hit it off and bonded and it opened a huge world for me as a performer
but i still had that deep insecurity
i never believed i was worthy by myself
to do my own thing
that stupid guy in the synthetic sherpa jacket..
i even wrote a one man show and toured, and I STILL tour it, and it has tons of standup material in it.
but that horrific voice

and my self loathing..playing like an annoying muzak remix in back of my head..
haunting me
that ugly synthetic sherpa